Beautiful home in a great location! This charming 3 bed, 2 bath home is move-in ready and has so much to offer. Updated kitchen with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. Cozy living room and spacious bedrooms. Nice backyard perfect for entertaining. Great neighborhood close to shopping, restaurants, and highways. Must see—won’t last! Priced to sell! Bring all offers!

Man, I am so exhausted with those kinds of listing descriptions. And if you know me, you know why I am exhausted. Just a short bio:

• University of Iowa, BA in English with a minor in Creative Writing

  • Attended the Iowa Writer’s Workshop as an undergrad

• University of Wyoming, MA in English Literature

  • Minor in Native American Studies

• University of New Hampshire, MFA in Creative Writing

• 9+ year instructor of record at Great Bay Community College

  • Taught College Composition, Creative Writing, & Creative Non-Fiction, as well as conspiracy theories

First off, that home listing description I wrote at the beginning of this week’s Friday Footnote was so bland, so slap it on any house and you are good to go, so badly written, so fingers on chalkboard to my brain that I had to have AI produce the sludge because I just couldn’t do it.

I could have, however, pulled any number of descriptions from Zillow, and you know if you are a long-time reader, I’m not beneath that, but today is not about that. I’m not about throwing other Realtors underneath the grammar bus today. Today, I want to lift my fellow Realtors up.

So I present to you today Steve Bargdill’s Listing Description Machine.

Click the green button to visit!

Listing Description Machine

A completely free ChatGPT tool to help you write a decent listing description. Basically, I’ve cloned myself. And for you non-Realtors, if you have a house currently for sale, I double-dog-dare you to run the listing description your Realtor so blithely handed you thru the machine. It takes zero tech knowledge. And when the AI report returns to within literal seconds, ask yourself exactly what you are paying for because a bad listing description can cost you thousands of dollars you’ll never know about. And I can prove it:

THE FOOTNOTE

Real estate without the real-estate-speak.

A Coffee With Steve Publication

For those of you still wondering what’s wrong with the listing description I vomited a little bit inside my mouth while trying to write:

• Opens with dead copy (“Beautiful home in a great location”) that could fit 10,000 listings.

• Cliché stacking (“charming,” “cozy,” “must see,” “won’t last”) = buyer eye-roll, not desire.

• Fake specificity (“updated,” “stainless,” “granite”) without which appliances, what granite, when updated.

• No real differentiation (nothing unique, measurable, dated, named, or visually distinct).

• Negotiation self-sabotage (“priced to sell,” “bring all offers”) = you just told buyers to come in low.

• Lifestyle is generic (“close to shopping”) with no concrete anchors (walkability to what, minutes to where).

And look, I’m not beyond my own critique. Here’s one of my older listing descriptions:

Embodying classic mid-20th century American residential design, this second-story condo unit shocases a 2-bedroom, 1-bath layout. The kitchen, accented with classic 1930s pine cabinetry and period hardware, is equipped with a GE Gas stove and a Maytag refrigerator. A Kenmore double-stack washer dryer discreetly integrates, optimizing space. The charm and class of French doors separates two living spaces, allowing for privacy without sacrificing natural light. Oak floors throughout. The three-season sunroom offers unobstructed views of the neighborhood. The natural palette provides a backdrop for a morning cup of coffee or getting lost in a good book. The home stands on a large open sprawling double lot complemented by raised garden beds and a shared detached two-car garage. Less than a fifteen-minute walk to downtown shops and restaurants. Showings begin Friday January 19 by appointment only. Open house Saturday Jan 20 from 10am to 11am, and Sunday Jan 21 from 9am to 11am.

This is what the machine returned:

I’m going to be blunt, protect your negotiating posture, and cut the “English major fog” without killing the period vibe.

What’s working (keep the spine)

• Specific appliance + brand detail (GE gas stove, Maytag fridge, Kenmore stack) = trust.

• French doors + two living spaces = real layout advantage.

• Oak floors + three-season sunroom = tangible, showable.

• Walk-to-downtown + showing schedule = strong utility.

What’s weakening you (fix these first)

1. Overwritten opener: “Embodying classic mid-20th…” is abstract, slow, and slightly academic. Buyers skim.

2. Timeline confusion: “mid-20th” + “1930s pine cabinetry” can be true, but right now it reads like you’re guessing.

3. Vague praise + banned language: “charm and class” + “charm” is fluff, and “charm” is on your own blacklist.

4. Claims that invite pushback: “unobstructed views of the neighborhood” is easy to dispute if there’s any obstruction.

5. Condo on a “large open sprawling double lot”: That’s a record-scratch. Condos don’t “stand on” lots in the normal buyer brain. You need to phrase this as shared grounds / building sits on.

6. Dates are stale: Your showing dates (Jan 19–21) are in the past as of today (Feb 27, 2026). Even if this is an old draft, publishing it makes you look asleep at the wheel.

Targeted line-by-line upgrades (no full rewrite)

1) Opening sentence

Original: “Embodying classic mid-20th century American residential design, this second-story condo unit shocases a 2-bedroom, 1-bath layout.”
Critique: Slow, generic, and “shocases” is misspelled. Also “embodying” doesn’t say anything a buyer can picture.
Alternative: “Second-floor 2-bedroom, 1-bath condo with oak floors, French doors, and a three-season sunroom.”

2) Kitchen sentence (good info, tighten)

Original: “The kitchen, accented with classic 1930s pine cabinetry and period hardware, is equipped with a GE Gas stove and a Maytag refrigerator.”
Critique: “Accented with” is filler; capitalize consistently (“gas”). Also: if you can’t verify “1930s,” it’s risky.
Alternative (safer): “Kitchen features pine cabinetry with period-style hardware, plus a GE gas range and Maytag refrigerator.”
Alternative (if you can verify era): “Kitchen features 1930s-era pine cabinetry and period hardware, plus a GE gas range and Maytag refrigerator.”

3) Laundry line

Original: “A Kenmore double-stack washer dryer discreetly integrates, optimizing space.”
Critique: “Discreetly integrates” sounds like brochure copy.
Alternative: “Space-saving Kenmore stacked washer/dryer is tucked into the layout.”

4) French doors line (remove fluff, keep benefit)

Original: “The charm and class of French doors separates two living spaces, allowing for privacy without sacrificing natural light.”
Critique: “Charm and class” is empty; also subject/verb agreement: “doors separate,” not “separates.”
Alternative: “French doors separate two living areas—privacy when you need it, light when you don’t want to lose it.”

Quick mechanics clean-up

• Fix typo: shocases → showcases

• “French doors separate” (not separates)

• Consistent capitalization: gas not “Gas”

• Consider “washer/dryer” instead of “washer dryer”

You by the way can also ask the machine to provide you with a letter grade. Uhm, I’ll warn you, the thing is not kind:

But I’ve gotten better! I swear!
Cause check out the grade on this listing description:

A drive-thru garage sets this 3BR, 1BA, 960 sqft home apart — pull straight through for year-round grilling & backyard access. The property tax card skipped over the partially finished chalkboard-walled basement, currently serving as unofficial 4th bedroom. Plus space for an office & walled-off storage area for your holiday decorations. Original kitchen cabinets with blue cornflower knobs, & a convenient pantry closet. GE stove and drop-in cooktop for those Fiddlehead autumn season apple & cranberry stuffed chickens. On cleanup, the dishwasher actually sings when the cycle ends. Full privacy-fence hides the nostalgic old-fashioned laundry line where you can hang delicates with impunity. Retro purple tiled bathroom Roof noted 12-ish years old on property docs. Heating system last serviced in 2022. Cooling currently by windows & fans, leaving room for upgrades. Please note: we cannot advise you to steal the apples from the tree next door. Easy 4-minute access to Route 108, 6 minutes to downtown Somersworth, 9 minutes downtown Dover. 20 minutes Portsmouth. Hike Willand Pond for wild blueberries, fishing, and a rope swing. Shopping choices include Walmart, Market Basket or the NH Liquor & Wine Outlet. OPEN HOUSE SATURDAY 9/20 and SUNDAY 9/21 FROM 10am to 12pm.

And that last listing description I just shared, which the AI graded—that one, still didn’t score an A, but sold with a single crappy cell phone photo. That’s what B-level work gets you.

So whether you’re selling a home or writing the words meant to sell the home (Realtors, I’m looking at you), let’s chat grammar over coffee. Hit the green button and see what your listing description is really saying.

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About this publication.

Coffee with Steve is an independent publication by Steve Bargdill. Views are my own and do not represent Keller Williams Coastal & Lakes & Mountains Realty (“KWCLM”) or any other organization. Each Keller Williams Office is Independently Owned and Operated.

Not advice. Content is informational and educational; it is not legal, tax, or financial advice and does not guarantee results. Talk to a licensed professional who knows your situation before you act.

No agency created. Reading this does not create an agency relationship or agreement for services. Brokerage representation requires a separate written agreement with KWCLM.

Licensure. I am licensed in New Hampshire. Equal Housing Opportunity.

Wire-fraud warning. During representation by Keller Williams, you will never be asked via email to wire funds to anyone, including a title company. Do not follow email wiring instructions. Always verify by phone using a trusted number.

You can reach Keller Williams Coastal and Lakes & Mountains Realty at 603-610-8500 or Steve Bargdill directly at 603-617-6018.

Steve Bargdill | Realtor & Author | Seacoast NH | Licensed in NH as Stephen Bargdill Jr., with Keller Williams Coastal & Lakes & Mountains Realty.

Pronouns: he, they